Our hospital stay thus far!

It's the worst thing in the world wondering if you're baby is gonna be ok. We went to the hospital on March 3rd and they sent us home the 5th saying that it was a very mild case and that she would be ok. Well the 5th was a Saturday and we ended up going back on Sunday night because she was having a hard time breathing. I was soo upset that I wanted to find the Dr. who sent us home and kick him in the head. She has been on oxygen and her respitory rates are wayy to high. It's supposed to be between 30 and 40 and she got all it way up to 100. They have to suck out her nose and throat every couple hours and she hates it soo bad. They stick the tube about 6 inches down and slowly bring it back up. I hate watching her scream and cough and not be able to do anything about it. It sucks more than anything I've ever experienced. She has an IV in her foot and has those stickers on her chest and stomach that moniter her heart rate and lungs. When they put the IV in the very first night that we were here they were also taking blood and I had to sit there and watch as 4 Drs poked her and made her scream. I had to go out into the hall because I started bawling. I never knew how much it could hurt watching my little girl go through this and not be able to help her. She is only 3 months old, she shouldn't have to go through something like this when she is so young. I'm constantly trying to find things to do to distract myself and keep my mind off of the what ifs and the why is this happening to my little girl. I'm debating on having my in laws and my bishop come up and give her a blessing if she doesn't start doing any better. They say that God doesn't hand you anything unless he knows you can handle and I sure hope that he knows that I would not survive if I lost my little girl. I'd go into a deep depression and probably never come out again. I don't know how anybody could go through losing a child and still be ok. My heart and soul goes out to those who have had to go through it. They are a hell of a lot stronger than me. Well, I'm about to burst into tears thinking about the what ifs. Shouldn't have decided to blog. Not a good idea. Gonna go back and be with Bran and Lilly.

Everything and anything

I've never kept a blog so I keep forgetting that I have one. Haha my life is amazing. I love my family more than anything. Ever since I was little I've always fantasized about growing up and getting married and now my, dreams are finally coming true. I always wanted a little boy first but I'm so glad I got my little girl. I still want a little boy so I'm really hoping for a little boy next. I want another baby like right away but my honey wants to wait and as much as it kills me to say it, it's Probably a good idea to wait so we've made an agreement. We are going to wait until I get my cna and than we will try again while I'm in school to be an rn. Which is ok cuz I just got accepted into the yes program which is a program that will pay for me to get my GED and pay for my course to be a certified nurses assistant and they'll pay for me to get my nursing degree. So once I pass my cna course all I need to do is find someone to hire me and than we can try for number two. I'm so excited to finally be getting my life in order. Ive got an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter. And I have the most amazing family (extended family included) to support me. I just want to thank everyone for being there for me and Brandon through everything. If it w went for all of your help, we probably wouldn't be as good off as we are now. Julie, you provide us an awesome place to live and Kelsey you helped us a lot when we were up there and cindi, you would give us your last five dollars if we asked for it. Thank you guys so much. I couldn't have asked for a better family to marry into. I love you guys.

Just pictures of my LillyAnna

This is my nephew Logan holding her.

This was going home from the hospital.

 Same as above. 

This is one of my absolute favorites.

Me and my darling little girl.

haha love her faces.

Tongue. haha  

Sitting in the highchair watching tv. 

Bran wanted to get going already.

She is such a happy baby. 

She was being held my Auntie Serena below.

So sweet.

Close up!!

Smiles. haha in the outfit Aunt Kelsey and Uncle Josh got.

 She loves her little friends.

 

She loves laying with Daddy.

Still in the hospital.

My life in the last 2 months

My life has been a little hectic but I love every minute of it. We are doing great. When we took her home from the hospital we were a little scared knowing that anything could happen and there would be no nurses or drs there to help us but we got over that quick. I could be in the worst mood in the world and all it takes for me to be in a better mood is for her to smile at me. My little girl is seriously my little miracle. She has fixed my relationship with so many people in my life. Me and my dad get along better and my siblings seem to like me more. lol I think the thing that makes me the happiest is that I have this wonderful man in my life to help me every step of the way. A lot of women are on their own. So I'm thankful that I got so lucky. I love just holding my little girl and staring at her. She has the most beautiful smile in the world. I'm still waiting very impatiently for her to laugh. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love her. She is the key to my heart. I am so excited that I was so very blessed. 

LillyAnna Rae Durfey

My beautiful daughter was born today, December 14th, 2010, at 9:12 am weighing 7 lbs 12 ounces and was 20 inches long. She is the most beautiful, most perfect baby girl ever. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love my little girl. I'm so tired. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in the last 28 hours and all I wanna do is sit here with my beautiful little girl and just memorize every aspect of her face. All the pain I went through was completely worth it. I would do anything for my sweet girl. Seeing my husband with her just melted my heart even more. You can see that he feels the same way I do about her. She is going to change our lives so drastically.

My lil girl is on the way!!

So I'm sitting at LDS hospital waiting to be dilated to a 10 so I can push. It's so crazy to think I'm finally going to meet my beautiful little girl in a matter of hours. I finally get to see what color her hair is and her eyes and whose nose she got and so on and so forth. I've dreamt about this moment for months and now that it's finally here, it's just so surreal. It's been like a dream that I've just been watching from the sidelines and now it's actually time. I just can't wrap my head around it. I'm dilated to a 7.5 and efaced 90%. I'm dilating a centimeter an hour so it's only a matter of time. Well, I just wanted to say how unreal this experience is for me and how I can't believe it's really finally happening. I'm scared shitless to push. Wish me luck everyone. I will have to post pics of her the second she's born. oooohh.. I can't wait much longer. Gonna try and sleep again for a minute..

My sweet husband!

I sometimes forget how lucky I am to have such a wonderful guy in my life. I look around at some family and some friends and realize how lucky I truly am. I have a lot of friends that are either already mother, or pregnant and I see how the fathers of the babies are and I compare them to Brandon and I get this wash of relief that I got so lucky. About 1 maybe 2 out of 5 men stick around when they get someone pregnant and that's a pretty low number when you think about it. And out of those men, very few are actually helpful and considerate. My husband can be inconsiderate and spiteful and just plain hurtful when he wants to be, but when it comes down to it he's there for me and he holds my hand through this crazy time. The one thing I grew up without when I was younger was a dad and I thank God every night before I go to sleep that my little girl isn't going to have to do that. Brandon will always be there for her and that isn't just me hoping that he will, when I look at him and the way he talks about her, I know that no matter what happens he'll always be daddy first and man second. I really can't wait to actually see him with her. He's going to be an amazing dad. I really truly think so.
When I look at all the women in my family, I worry that I may someday be like them and I really don't want that because they have bad taste in men and end up messing it up when they have good men and moving on to crappy men who treat them like crap and don't care how they feel. My mother (whom I hope never reads this) is in a very controlled relationship and she can't seem to get out of it. She's had good men and she's been in good relationships but they didn't last and now she's with my step dad. He treats her like crap and doesn't care what she needs or wants. I hope that if Brandon were to ever treat me the way Jaime treats my mom, I'd be able to walk away from him. It's not just damaging my moms life but also my siblings and I hope that if I knew that something I was doing was hurting my children I'd be able to walk away from it. Like I said, I consider myself very lucky to have such an amazing husband and I sometimes really take him for granted. I personally think he settled for me because of my looks. He could do so much better but he doesn't think that he can. I can be the biggest... b**** and I can be so inconsiderate of him and he still loves me. That's all I could ever ask for and I just wish he could understand how much I truly love and appreciate him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he really doesn't think so. I love you Brandon!

These are my wedding pictures and I never get sick of looking at them. Marrying him was the best decision I ever made in my life. I love you Brandon! You are my everything. You and Lilly!!